Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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