We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
