The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
