All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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