yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize