your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I am midnight drunk by noon
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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