You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
