I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
