i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
