chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
