I didn't shave. On purpose
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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