im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
