if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
