you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
