They should really pass out barf bags in church
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
