Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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