non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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