Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
