My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Houston, we have a squirter
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize