Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
