I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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