I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
