I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
