sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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