I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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