I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
