Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
