He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
