I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
