apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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