someone threw a dead crab at me
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
