This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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