i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
