Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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