i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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