I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
