My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
