I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
