I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
