I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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