God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wanna passion pit in your ass
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
