I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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