Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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