soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
