ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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