i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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