Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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