My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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