pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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