it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Ladies don't puke and tell
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