i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
