I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
