You just made me feel so damn special
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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