So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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