so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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