i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
