I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
