You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
