I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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