don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
