My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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