Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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