He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
