I want to make a zoo with you.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
