Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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