He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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