I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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