i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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