Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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