I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Found the puke drawer
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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