he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
