I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
